Mindless

Do you know what makes me upset? It’s when you have super close friends and you can’t do anything to cheer them up. For example, I have this friend so let’s just call him C. Right now he is literally just pouring out his emotions and I really don’t know how to help him solve his problems. The worse part is? I actually like him and I’m experiencing unrequited love. I’m not kidding.

The thing is we are both in the same CCA and we often meet each other during competitions especially those that are annually. We are both tired of losing but our stories are different. Mine is that I’ve won during primary school and he hasn’t (but he finally won this year yay!) However, we’re sick and tired of losing to the same person in our division each year. 

I dislike it a lot when I see or hear people cry, because the sadness just spreads to me and I’ll feel like crying too. Little did I know, he has been tearing / crying manly tears because of his desire to win but can’t. I wish I could tell him that I understood how he felt. That I’m tired of losing to the same person and definitely won’t be able to even participate in 100M hurdles next year since I’m already struggling with a shorter distance. But then again, if I put myself in his shoes I wouldn’t even bother because of the amount of stress that’s already in my mind soul and body. 

Rejection was enough, and if I can’t even cheer him up then that’s being a faggot friend. I really wish there was something I could do about this. however I can’t find solutions to solve his problems and I can’t even find any to solve mine. If only life wasn’t that unfair and if only human feelings weren’t so deep and complicated. Dear C, I’d just like you to cheer up. If you were next to me I wouldn’t mind giving you a hug if it makes you feel better. I love you and I wish you’d feel the same way. You can do it. I have faith in you.

N.

 I would like to start of by giving a tiny self introduction. My name is Nadia, you can call me N. I’m not exactly the sociable kind of person. I’m always on the phone either on twitter or tumblr because I think the people on my timeline are always the people I can relate to. At the same time I’m a student, as well as an athlete.

To be honest, this years’ national competition was extremely disappointing. I really thought that it was the year that I could win a medal, but no. I actually lost to the third position by a few mili seconds, but thank god I qualified for the finals. It motivated me to push even harder for the finals and get the medal I’ve been waiting for. But I guess it didn’t really work out well. I felt lethargic, I couldn’t move, the whole world was literally getting blurred and I just felt like dying. I’m not using these as excuses of why I didn’t win. I tried eating lots of chocolates to rejuvenate myself but it didn’t work at all. It was my crashing point. If I continued being tired it would mean putting myself at a huge risk. I had no choice but to walk to the call room feeling tired as I had to report for my event. 

Frankly, I was already feeling really scared at that point of time and totally lost confidence in myself. I tried visualizing many times to keep my cool and ensure that the race would turn out fine. But did that work?

Usually our alliance school would send a class to come down to support their school. It had to be the class with people I was familiar with didn’t it? Since boys are playful, something awful would obviously happen. They started teasing this boy that liked me and started calling out my name really loudly right before my race. I tried to stay focused but I just couldn’t. I got horribly distracted and I mentally broke down. This was the exact same thing that happened the year before. I felt like just pointing my middle finger in their faces, but it would’ve ruined my school’s name. I was mentally done. I knew I couldn’t do it. Instead of pushing myself even harder and earning a medal? I came in fifth. With a horrible timing. I was hoping that I could hit a personal best, but it was just a huge disappointment. 

I wanted to talk to someone about how I felt after my race but my other team mates felt the same way as I did and my closest weren’t there either. Even if I did call them I’d breakdown and cry a river which isn’t something I wanted to do. I wanted to pour my feelings all out on a certain person but I guess I was too shy.

Of course, I met new friends and found love. Although they may be my competitors, I believe that sportsmanship and friendships are the most important things, as well as always trying your best. I don’t want this memory to be etched in my mind forever, because I know that it’ll bring me down and demoralize me. I would do anything I can to forget it. But the thing is, can I actually find a solution?

I will definitely come back stronger and strive for the best. I will train harder if that’s what it takes and of course, stay optimistic. I wanted to leave the stadium with no regrets, I’ll make sure I’ll make it happen next year.

N.